[Weekend Emotion] My daughter is ＂different＂, and I am devastated and can only accept it.

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Talked to: Ms. Wang (54 years old)

Focus on this issue-

Seeing her daughter’s persistent pursuit of unusual love, a mother can only choose to agree …

■ 1

I hesitated for a long time before I confided. It’s too hard to admit that my daughter is gay, but I need a platform to explain to my relatives and friends who care about my daughter and to respond to some people who laugh at her.

My daughter Yas is twenty-nine years old and has been dating a girl for more than ten years. Since last year, she has been clamoring to marry that girl, and said that she would not rule out having a child. For this, our family quarreled almost every three days. The main reason is that my daughter quarrels with her father. The reason why I don’t get involved is very simple. If I object fiercely like her father, I won’t even have my daughter. Between losing my daughter and her marrying a girl, I’d rather she lived according to her own wishes.

It’s just, it’s too difficult. I was afraid of jokes from friends and relatives for many years before. What worries me now is my husband’s attitude. From the beginning, he used high-pressure means to stop this matter. Seeing that his daughter’s mind was more determined, he was on the verge of collapse.

After confirming that Yas was a lesbian, my husband and I didn’t have a comfortable day. As long as they are opposite, they will turn over old scores. Since Yas was born, she has been stroking back a little. When she was a few years old, she didn’t like to wear skirts. When she cut her hair short, whenever she hated boys, she often quarreled when stroking. He blames me for being too careless, for not discovering my daughter’s abnormality early, and for being too fond of my children and following her in everything. I am even more angry, accusing him of being busy with work all day, regardless of major issues at home, not caring about children, never taking care of her studies, and never accompanying her to grow up.

For the sake of my daughter, my husband and I became more and more rigid in mutual complaints, and even at one time we both wanted a divorce. Until these two years, we were old, and our anger was not as big as before. Of course, it was also because our daughter couldn’t change that they talked about it relatively calmly. Nevertheless, the result of the discussion is frustrating: there is no reason …

■ 2

My husband and I are both workaholics. I sent Yas to my mother-in-law after my maternity leave. Start going there once a week, because it’s far away. After the children are older, it’s normal for us to go there every ten and a half days when we are busy. Did the lack of parental companionship and lack of understanding of gender from childhood lead to her becoming a lesbian? I don’t think so. So many older people look after older children, and I haven’t seen many like daughters.

After Yas went to school, we were very strict with her, asking her how many places she must get in the exam, and we were not stingy with how much money she spent as long as it was beneficial to her study. Yas is very smart and competitive, and his grades have always been among the best. Finally, he was admitted to a key university. Later, we had an argument because she wanted to bring the girl home. Her father spoke badly. She was a little emotional and cried, "Apart from grades, have you ever cared about me since childhood?" Do you know what I’ve been through?

Jas seldom cried, so I was shocked and asked if she was bullied by anyone. Actually, I was worried that she would be violated by bad people, but Yas calmed down and said nothing. I’ve always been depressed about this. Do you think that we ignored the difficulties that Yas encountered in her growth, because being ignored and not getting attention in time led her to a different path? But many children are like this, and some particularly rebellious children are not like her. How can this be explained?

Almost all the reasons we can think of have been proved over and over again, as if they can all be touched, but they can’t stand completely.

Many sleepless days, I wonder when Yas became different from other girls. There should be signs from junior high school: she cut off her ponytail, kept her hair short, refused to wear a skirt, and wore a school uniform at home … But at that time, I didn’t have a trace of vigilance, on the contrary, I felt relieved: she didn’t love beauty, indicating that her mind was focused on her studies.

In high school, she lived on campus and went home once every two weeks. At that time, her father went to a company outside the province. All I could do was cook her a good meal and ask her about her grades. Seeing that her hair is getting shorter and shorter, I advised her that it would be convenient to wash her hair at school, so I didn’t think much about it.

After Yas went to college, her hair was shorter and she dressed like a boy. I was secretly worried: she wouldn’t be gay, would she?

Yes, since then, there have been many signs that Yas has gone far on that road.

■ Three

From the beginning of persuading Yas to wear long hair and skirts to quarreling with her, our mood was very unstable, and we almost quarreled when we opened our mouth. The consequence of ineffective communication is that Yas has become more and more alienated from us, and he has stayed in Shanghai directly after graduating from college. Maybe out of sight, out of mind, let’s stop thinking about Jas being a tomboy for the time being. But this is self-deception. When we urged Yas to consider marriage, she said directly that she already had someone she liked and sent photos. We took a look at her photo with a beautiful girl, which confirmed our worry: our daughter is really gay.

Since then, the war has never stopped. When she was in Shanghai, we quarreled through the phone WeChat. After she came home, it took only ten minutes to talk calmly and yell loudly. Her father is grumpy. Seeing that he couldn’t convince Yas, he swore that she was too shameful to be a man or a woman, and said that if she didn’t marry a boy, she would break up with her. At first, I sided with my husband, but then Yas said that if I forced her to die again, I was too scared to say anything bad.

In this way, we fought back and forth for two or three years. During this period, Yas’s career got better and better, and she bought a house in Shanghai. When she said she wanted to marry a girl, we panicked and went to Shanghai at once. In Yas’s new house, I saw a lot of photos of her and girls, and I felt very sad. Yas said she wanted to marry a girl, even in form, and she felt very happy.

Looking up the information and looking for a psychiatrist, we have done everything we can think of, and Kaya’s will is more determined: I feel that I am born a boy, and I will live as a boy, and no one can change me …

■ 4

My husband arrived in Shanghai a day late. He heard me talk about Yas, and he was furious. He said Yas had been laughed at for dressing like a boy. If he married a girl again, he would be ashamed to live. Yas cried, and let me persuade her father. I was in a dilemma. Because we quarreled about Yas before, he even said that he would divorce and marry and have a son. I understand that he is angry, but I understand that he is a senior in the group and has always been proud. He really can’t accept his daughter’s situation. I am not like this. In order to avoid acquaintances asking when our daughter will get married, we moved to a remote suburb. But one day, when she met a new neighbor, she said, your son is so handsome. Is he seeing someone?

I have encountered such embarrassment countless times, and I am almost numb. Outsiders say it’s hard for me to talk about the concern of relatives and friends. I’m a little angry besides embarrassment. I think they must know about Yas, and half of this concern is out of curiosity. When I think about this, my heart beats faster and I lose my mind. I can’t wait for Jas to become a girl overnight. Of course, more often than not, I am sober, I understand that things are irreversible, and I am prepared for Yas to live with girls. To my relief, Yas is now completely successful in her career, and her plans for the future are also very clear. She said that she would buy sperm and then use her own eggs for girls to conceive, so that they could have their own children. She also said that it is nothing strange that many girls are unmarried and have children by sperm. I hope we will not interfere too much …

Yas told me a lot about her and that girl: they were classmates in high school and fell in love for ten years. The girl lost her mother since she was a child, and her father didn’t care about her, so there was no obstacle to her; Yas also said that she is a good wife and a good mother. All the trivial things of them are done by girls. She is very gentle and emotionally stable. She is the most suitable partner for herself.

Hearing this, I regret not having a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter earlier. At the same time, I also decided not to compete with my daughter. After all, this matter is beyond our cognitive scope and we can’t control and change it. In this case, it is better to let go, and at this age, I have understood many things. Nothing is more important than being healthy and alive. Besides, I can’t accompany my child all my life. She can find a partner she likes and she can live happily.

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(The characters in the article are all pseudonyms, and the opinions expressed in the article do not represent the positions and opinions of this newspaper and the author.)

Contributed by Yu Ensheng

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Original title: "[Weekend Emotion] My daughter is" different ",and I am very collapsed and can only accept it."

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